The Night I Was Almost a Eunuch

           Having a truck is great. It’s the most practical thing for getting stuff from one place to another, and that means anything. I just have an S-10 which is a relatively small truck in the grand scheme of things, but that little truck has had everything in its bed from a bunch of girls, to whole trees, lawn mowers, go carts, flatbed trailers, dirt, rocks, dogs, tents, me, and occasionally it has fun things in it too. One such time in particular would have been the Fourth of July a few years ago. The bed of Rosebud (that’s my little S-10’s name) was filled just about as full as you could get her with boozes, fireworks, and gasoline.

            So out to Dr. Phil’s farm I went with the truck load of goodies to celebrate the independence of our nation. It’s not really Dr. Phil’s farm, but we call my friend whose farm it was Dr. Phil since he seems to be the one we all go to with our problems. Before any of us touched the alcohol, we went for the explosives. It must be a guy thing. The three of us, Dr. Phil, my best friend The Mexi-Jew, and me, decided to have a magic missile fight…

Have you ever seen the “Magic Missile” video on YouTube? If not look it up real fast. Type it in and it’s the first one. I’ll wait…

Yeah, we wanted to do that. It was kind of mocking the kid in the video, but kind of because all three of us are that nerdy. So, roman candles and lighters in hand we all ran in different directions. A triangle of 20 somethings pointing sparkly gunpowder filled sticks at one another, ready to yell “magic missile” as they go off. Then they did. The Mexi-Jew’s went off first. He got 2 shots off before mine or the good doctor’s fuse even reached the explosives.

            At this point I feel it’s critical to remind you that none of us had touched the alcohol yet. Just in case you thought that’s what made us dumb.

            Anyway The Mexi-Jew’s roman candle goes off first as he shouts “Magic Missile!” The ball of burning sulfur hit me right in the crotch. It burned straight through my Levis and boxers. And it burned the hair off my inner thigh. The scorch marks from that would have been enough to make this a good story, but just “good” stories aren’t that much worth telling. You see we don’t skimp on fireworks, so when we buy roman candles, we buy the ones with the report at the end. That means it explodes after it fires. That’s right, in my pants. If it had gone off and inch higher I would be speaking in a voice more than an inch higher these days.

            I threw my candle as I dropped to the ground, and the second shot out of The Mexi-Jew’s candle glanced off my side. We’re best friends; I can honestly say if our positions were reversed I would have kept shooting too. I still have those pants, and it’s now tradition that I wear them to all parties with fireworks. Later that night, our Hippy (another in our band of miscreants) got revenge for mu bruised and burnt leg by dropping lady fingers in The Mexi-Jew’s pocket. He almost lost that nipple. Over all, it was a pretty phenomenal night, as far as nights that almost make you a eunuch go.

No Time to Do Nothing

The easiest part of getting something done is the not doing it. That’s true whether you do it now and have the easy not doing it part later, or if you do the not doing it part now, and the actually doing it part later. We are lazy. We prefer to do the not doing it part first, just in case you wouldn’t have the time to do the doing nothing later. But if we do the not doing part now, the actually doing it part builds up for later, and then it’s even less desirable, because then there’s a lot of doing to get done all at once.

            Also that’s a good way to run out of energy, doing everything at once. The not doing anything part of the doing things seems to be available as a means of resting after the doing is done. If the doings build up and need to be done at once, there’s no time for rest, and the doings get done half-assed. However, in those situations the not doing anything doesn’t get done half-assed; it gets done to its fullest extent. The not doing anything is really the part that we enjoy so why not do that to its fullest extent and half-ass and drag our feet through the actually doing things?

            It seems however, that no matter how much you put off doing things, or how much you do what needs to be done so that the not doing anything time builds up, there’s always something to do in the very midst of your not doing things time. If your works done, then the grass needs to be mowed, or that book needs to get read. Perhaps the only solution to the issue is to instead of finding joy in the not doing things, learn to find joy in the actual doing part of doing things. The secret could be to rejoice in the having something to do rather than rejoicing in the getting things done. Then again, that just sounds like another thing that you have to add to the list of things you have to do. Actually if you really think about it, that would require you training yourself to appreciate something other than what you already appreciate, and re-training yourself is a big something to get done. It takes up a lot of time that could be spent not doing things.

            The other option is to do things that are impractical things that don’t really need to get done, less. Such as reading blogs, or writing them for that matter. I’m sure a quotable quote that sparked inspiration in someone to do something other than doing nothing at one point in time or another came from a blog, but the amount of crap on the internet that people waste their precious doing nothing time doing is astonishing.

            So it’s either appreciate the doing things time as much as the not doing things time, doing less things that don’t need to be done in your do nothing time, or train yourself not to sleep. That however, brings up the whole doing the re-training yourself which takes up time. In fact this thought process in itself is taking up far too much time that could either be spent doing something, or at the very least doing nothing. That’s actually a good point. I’m going to go do something, or nothing, but I’m not going to waste any more time that could be spent either way doing this.